Staying in Touch

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Today I had some time on my hands as I waited for the refrigerator repairman. I wasn’t in the mood to read, so instead I called two of my cousins. Close cousins. Cousins I don’t want to lose touch with, even though I haven’t spoken with them in months. Both of them answered, and I felt my heart steadily lift as I learned what is happening in their lives, simply sharing news.

Nothing earth-shaking. Just two phone calls. Ordinary conversations. Staying in touch.

You write it: Is there a call you would like to make?

Adjusting Expectations

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Much of our unhappiness or disappointment is caused by having expectations. I’ve spent the last 8 months planning a trip to Yellowknife and Banff, Canada, with my daughter and daughter-in-law. The original reason for going was to see the aurora borealis, and our information was that our chances were 97% this time of year. This morning I checked the forecast—make that a 40% chance.

Momentarily, I was disappointed. But then, I realized no one knows for sure when these magical lights will appear. Besides, I will be in new surroundings with two people I love, seeing beauty and experiencing wonder. What could be better than that?

You write it: What is your experience with expectations?

You Can't Make a Mistake

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I was sanding a bowl I had made in my pottery class, preparing it to be bisqued. A chunk of the side came off in my hand, and I was heading towards the trash with it when the instructor stopped me. “What are you doing with that?”

“I’m throwing it away,” I responded. “I broke it.”

“No, no,” he said. “That opening is a perfect big spoon rest for when you’re cooking. See? The handle goes right here,” and he pointed to the hole I had made. “In here there are no mistakes.”

You write it: What would you do if you knew you couldn’t make a mistake?

What's Inside My Hula Hoop?

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A good question for me to ask, when I feel despair and consternation over events over which I have no control, is “What’s inside my hula hoop?” That question returns my focus and keeps me away from that which is beyond me.

Today I’m learning to work wooden jigsaw puzzles. Not the easy cardboard kind. Wooden puzzles, made by Liberty Puzzles in Boulder, Colorado. Puzzles that can’t be worked by setting the border first. Puzzles that have whimsey pieces that go together in unusual ways. Puzzles that challenge my brain not to follow the same, timeworn route, but to imagine new possibilities.

You write it: What are you doing that helps you imagine new possibilities?

The World I Choose to Live In

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Recently my across-the-fence neighbor gave us a half bushel of lemons from a tree in her Phoenix backyard. Later, my around-the-corner neighbor brought a batch of delicious apricots. Then my down-the-street neighbor asked us to pick all the blackberries we wanted. It was enough for two cobblers.

At the last baseball game I attended, a young man in front of me caught a ball. Then he turned around and tossed it to a handicapped teen sitting two rows behind him.

In my world, love and neighborliness abound.

Where have you seen love and neighborliness in your world?

What I Focus On Gets Stronger

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My father was born in a dugout with a dirt floor, the eighth of twelve children. Once I tried to get my grandmother to talk about her experience in that dugout. I said, “It must have been very hard.” She looked at me as if I weren’t very smart. Then she said, “It wasn’t hard at all. We had the most wonderful neighbors.” Then she started naming the neighbors and how she appreciated each one.

Grandmother was teaching me one of life’s most important lessons: What I focus on gets stronger.

You write it: How did you learn this lesson? Or have you?

Will to be Whole

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Fragmentation was what I learned growing up and through much of my adulthood. First do this; now do that, with no connection between the two.

Recently I set an intention for someone to have the “will to be whole.” Then I realized this is a prayer for myself, too. Life truly is a flow, not a collection of tasks. If I stay in the center of love, things work out, effortlessly.

Today may you have the will to be whole.

You write it: Do these words ring true for you?

More on Forgiveness

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  • Forgiveness occurs when you systematically lay aside conclusions you have reached about other people and the motivations for their actions. (Maria Nemeth, 1997)

  • Forgiveness is not the approval of the wrongdoing. It is reclaiming my freedom of choice.

  • Forgiveness is not weakness. It is strength of character. I have the courage to let go, turn the page, and start over. It is a statement that says, “You have no more power over me.”

  • To forgive does not mean that I need to like you or approve of what you do. It means I understand your dis-ease. It means I don’t hate you. I don’t fear you. I am free. You can’t hurt me any more. I have the wisdom and strength to make choices.

  • Resentments and anger are self-punishment. Forgiveness is self-nurturing.

  • The Spanish derivation for “resent” is “resentir,” which literally means “to feel again.” So when we choose not to forgive, we choose to feel the original hurt again—and again—and again.

You write it: What is your experience with forgiveness?

Find the Joy in Every Day

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Recently in a meditation at the Saint Louis Basilica, these words came to me: “Find the joy in every day.”

Already today I have found joy. First, in folding the sheets—a simple, ordinary task; then, on a hike when my husband pointed out to me a century plant, blooming red.

“Find the joy in every day”is now my mantra. The joy is there. My job is to see it and to pay attention when others point it out.

You write it: Where do you find joy?

Speak the Truth in Love

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At my nephew’s memorial service, I heard several young men who had been in treatment with him. Their stories about Austin and their shared experiences revealed deep, trusting relationships that came from speaking the truth in love to each other. This truth-telling had transcended other differences, and young men who might not have even liked each other in the “real world” became forever friends. Among other things, that’s what people in treatment for addiction learn—how to tell the truth about experiences they would rather forget so that together they can walk through the pain, find healing, and come out more whole.

You write it: I find healing from speaking the truth in love in Al-Anon. Where do you find it?

Forgiveness

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Last night “60 Minutes” featured two women who had experienced the power of forgiveness. One had lost her brother because of a drunk driver. The other had been injured for life by a gunman. Both of these women suffered from their own anger and outrage over what had happened to them, so they ultimately sought the help of a program called Restorative Justice. Mediators brought them face to face with the imprisoned perpetrators. In these sessions, they gave their forgiveness and reaffirmed the worth and value of the other person. Healing all around occurred.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about forgiveness, and another example that has come to mind is the Amish parents of children who were killed in their school. That very evening these parents went to the gunman’s home to express their sympathy and forgiveness to his wife and children, who had also experienced a loss that day.

You write it: What’s your experience with forgiveness? Is there someone you need to forgive?

What we see is what we're looking with

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“There’s nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” Hamlet

“What we see is not what we’re looking at, but what we’re looking with. So let us find our eyes of love.” Twelve-step saying.

When I read the first quotation above, I was still in school. I thought, “That’s right.” When I heard the second quotation, I was in the early stages of Al-Anon recovery, and I began to take action. Knowing something intellectually is not sufficient without the action step.

I’ve recently become aware that there’s more work to be done in finding my eyes of love. How about you?

You write it: Whose behavior is giving you a problem? When you look at it through eyes of love, how important is it?

The Power of Holding One's Peace

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Recently, as a participant in an angry exchange, I met anger with anger. Although I ultimately accepted the other person’s apology, my system was still full of the chemistry of venom that took days to let go.

Yesterday I witnessed the power of holding one’s peace as an observer when anger erupted. One person attacked. The other remained calm, reaffirmed his love, and exuded peace. The effect on the angry person was that he quickly calmed.

It’s possible. It’s powerful.

You write it: What is your response when anger comes at you?

A Memorable Person

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Once I was called in to work with a department that was rife with dissension, and the first thing I did was to interview each employee privately, seeking to understand how each one fit into the dynamic.

One man I interviewed told this story: He grew up in Africa. When he was very young, both of his parents died, and his country had no plan for caring for orphans. So he was on his own. But before he died, his father told him, “Go to school. Get an education.” Feeding and clothing himself from trash, he obeyed his father, never missing a day of school. He said, “I paid close attention when I saw parents with their children. I listened to what the parent said, and then I took the words for myself.” Thus he learned how to behave.

Finally he came to the attention of the authorities when he was about to graduate at the head of his class. Then the government made sure he had a new suit of clothes and a scholarship to a prestigious university in England. Eventually he came to the U.S., and when I met him, he had a wife, children, and good job.

This story always brings me back to the resilience of the human spirit, the power of education, and the utter triviality of most things that trouble us.

You write it: Who is a memorable person in your life? What did they teach you?