Feeling the Feelings

For a long time in my life, I shut down my emotions. Of course, I suffered the consequences, most notably migraine headaches. Someone who was helping me recover my whole self asked me, in response to a statement I had made, "How do you feel about this?" I answered her. She said, "You just told me what you think. I asked how you feel." I couldn't answer her question because I couldn't access my emotions.

Once when a family member died, I grabbed a broom and swept the driveway--to avoid feeling anything. This was a favorite strategy--stay busy; don't feel.

Last week, anticipating my husband's triple bypass surgery, I was scared. I cried. Several times. As they pushed him into surgery, I broke down. Ever since, I'm very tired from the range of emotions coursing through me--gratitude for the skill of his medical team and for the progress he is making, anger and sadness that we have to go through this, appreciation for the friends who have come to our aid, apprehension about what our lives will be like going forward--and rejoicing that I am able to feel my feelings.

Wise people have taught me that feelings pass. I don't have to act on them. But for my own health, I do need to feel them. 

You write it:  What do you do with your feelings?