Attitude Change

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I used to believe that spider webs in a house signaled filth and neglect. Then I moved to my current home. Tiny spiders breed in a nearby pond and then make their way into my home. They are so numerous that monthly, we exterminate for spiders!

As the morning sun shines through my bedroom window, I see a glistening spider web in the door frame that I cleaned two days ago.

My attitude towards spider webs has changed. They are not a sign of filth. They are persistent, ingenious creations of silent, invisible artists.

You write it:  Have you experienced an attitude change? What was it?

They Are Not at Fault

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Much of our pain begins when we find fault and try to fix or justify what we think is wrong. 

I've been stuck in that bog for a few weeks. Last Friday I expressed the desire of my heart to be free of my own judgmentalism.

Saturday morning, in an open AA meeting, my answer came when I heard these words in the opening reading:  "They are not at fault."

Today this is the mantra I'm living by. If someone is behaving in a way that makes no sense to me, I can just walk on by without trying to figure out what's wrong or attempt to control them with my criticism. I can say to myself, "They are not at fault." I can live in peace.

You write it:  Where are you "stuck" to your opinion? What is the desire of your heart?

 

Wordless Sharing

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I live among the red rocks of Sedona, Arizona. People come here from all over the world to experience unique beauty. When I hike, I see them stopped on the trail, camera in hand, agape.

“Stunning, isn’t it?” I’ve often said to them. Or “Isn’t it gorgeous?” Or “What an incredible view!”

Having been here over a year, I have run out of words to describe the phenomenon of nature that surrounds me. No word is sufficient.

So now when I pass tourists on the trail, I pass in silence. I know what they feel. I feel it, too. I am content with wordless sharing.

You write it: Do you ever use words when silence is really what is being called for?

Schedule a telephone or in-person consultation with Nancy by emailing her:  NancyOelklaus@gmail.com

Simplicity and Consistency

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When I opened the car door, loose papers fell out, straying from the seat full of packaging, envelopes, cups, other objects strewn in no particular order. As she quickly gathered and threw them in the back seat to make room for me in the front, she said, "This jumble represents my life right now. I'm a mess."

When we arrived at the coffee shop, I listened for a long while while she flitted from topic to topic, telling me what's wrong with her. Finally she asked me what she should do to make her life more manageable and focused.

"Do these two things every day," I said. "(1) Pray only for knowledge of God's will and the power to carry it out (which is Step 11 of recovery programs). (2) Write a short love letter to yourself every day. Do these two things for at least forty days."

We can't make our lives better by fixing everything that's "wrong" with us. But if we strengthen our spiritual core, our lives become manageable. Simplicity and consistency.

You write it:  Look around. What is your environment saying about you?

Schedule a telephone or in-person consultation with Nancy by emailing her:  NancyOelklaus@gmail.com

Decision

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On the very day that my husband celebrated his 16th year of sobriety in AA, we took communion at church. If the liquid in the tiny little cup is red, it's wine. If it's clear, it's grape juice. Of course, my husband and I always choose the clear liquid.

But on this Sunday, I saw when the server came to me, that there was only one cup of grape juice left, and my husband had yet to be served. I hesitated. Then I said to myself, "Well, I haven't had alcohol in 16 years, either. Let him figure it out for himself."

He did. He leaned forward and said, "I need grape juice." Quickly, he was served what he needed.

What I've learned in this 16-year journey of recovery with him is that, when I take care of myself, things work out well for everyone. I've learned that this is not selfishness but self care, a contagious act of self respect. I've also learned that sometimes when we "over-help" others, we send a message that we don't believe they can do it for themselves.

I know my husband can. He does. Life is good and all is well.

You write it:  Is there anyone you are "over-helping"? What might you do differently?

Turbulence

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"We are not saints" is a profound statement from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Indeed, none of us are. As hard as we might try to do the right thing or to feel calm and centered, occasionally something happens that disturbs our peace.

Recently, it happened to me. First, I felt confused. Then I was angry, with a little hurt mixed in. Then, briefly, the air cleared and I thought the issue was resolved. But no. Wham! Another hit.

I felt like a passenger on the flight I read about recently that experienced turbulence on its course from Houston to London. A pilot can't see air streams colliding. They are invisible and thus unavoidable. But, oh my, what fear and injury they are capable of inflicting on passengers and crew when the airplane gets caught in that agitation!

We know what to do if we get caught in turbulence while flying. Keep our seat belts fastened. But what do we do if the turbulence is emotional?

Very much like an airplane pilot, I got out of the turbulence as quickly as was feasible, with a goal of the least injury possible. The most difficult part of the process for me was moving away from my own anger and blame, replacing it with acceptance. Acceptance is a neutral emotion--a much kinder place to be. A seat belt, if you will.

You write it:  Have you experienced any turbulence lately? What did you do?

Forgiveness

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Something happened recently that created the need for me to practice forgiveness. I felt myself feeling like a victim, and I wanted to react like a victim--bitterly and vindictively. But experience has taught me a better way.

I went to my files and pulled out a sheet on forgiveness that for years has floated me through difficult times. Here are some excerpts:

  • Forgiveness is not the approval of the wrongdoing. It is reclaiming my freedom of choice. I choose not to be stuck to another person's actions.
  • Forgiveness is a statement that says, "You have no more power over me."
  • I have the courage to let go, turn the page, and start over.
  • I don't hate you. I don't fear you. I am free.

May these words be as healing for you as they are for me.

Practicing Presence

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Practicing Presence

This morning I hiked in Sedona's famous red rocks. I took my favorite trail, an easy one with spectacular views. What I noticed is that I cannot hike and view at the same time. The trail is irregular, strewn with rocks. Overnight, a branch can fall and shatter in a place that was level yesterday. So if I'm walking, my eyes are down.

Occasionally, I stop to stand in awe of the spectacular view. But I don't walk and sightsee at the same time.

This observation this morning made me realize what is meant by "presence." When I walk, I'm present for walking. When I stop, I'm present for viewing. My hikes are good practice for life. When my husband speaks, I want to be present for what he says, not thinking about loading the dishwasher. When I load the dishwasher, I want to be present for dishes.

Well, you get it. Don't you?

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