The Gift of Forgiveness

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A week ago I cut my finger while slicing some dates for fruitcake. It was a minor cut, but my finger bled so much that I went to Urgent Care to stop the bleeding. Today I have only a small abrasion to show for the mishap. The swelling and bandages are gone. So it is with physical wounds. They heal quickly.

Emotional wounds are different. They often throb for years because they are not treated. Instead of crying the tears and seeking help to forgive, we pretend we're not hurt, until the next time, when we pile another wound on top of the last one. Then we wonder why we aren't happier.

For Christmas this year, give yourself the gift of cleansing. Start writing. Put onto paper everything you haven't forgiven. Then let it go. Forgiveness is a gift for you.

You write it: Who do you now forgive?

Feel the Feelings

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A topic of conversation recently was being present--not numbing ourselves with drink or other distraction, but simply being present, feeling our feelings, even the unpleasant ones.

A learned man once taught me that when we tell ourselves, "I don't want to feel sad," (or mad or whatever) our brains hear, "I don't want to feel," and it shuts down all feelings. So we don't feel sad, but we also lose happiness and the other good feelings we want.

Thus, many people live from task to task, shutting out feeling, even at this time of year. 

For just a moment today, stop to feel your feelings. Give yourself permission to cry or stomp your feet or shake your fist. Then make a list of what you're grateful for. Do it every day for 40 days.

You write it:  What are you grateful for?

The Energy of Gifts

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Not everyone has my sensitivity, but to me the spirit in which a gift is given is more important than the gift itself. I want my gifts to say, "I honor you and hereby express my love for you."

Some of my greatest disappointments have come when I've given a gift in this spirit with no acknowledgement from the receiver. I learned it isn't good for me to put my heart and soul into a gift and then be ignored. So, with these recipients, I did something different.

I found charities whose missions fit the interest of my recipients and made a donation in their honor. The charities unfailingly acknowledge my gift, and my heart is satisfied that I gave something that honors and expresses my love. I send my loved ones a note so they know. Then I let it go.

Gift-giving can be stressful. What I most want is peace of mind. A perfect gift gives both ways, to the giver and the receiver.

You write it:  Is there any adjustment you would like to make in gift-giving? What is it?

Where Is Love?

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Sometimes I get so distracted by what's going on around me that I fail to notice the love that's right in front of me. A couple of days ago my husband and I were in Las Vegas. One morning as we walked out of our hotel, I was silently annoyed about the loud music and frenetic jangling of all the games. 

As we opened the door to go out, I noticed a homeless person on the street cradling something in her arms. I was focused on my destination, but I did see she was holding and petting a dog. We walked past her; then my husband stopped and said, "I'm going to give her some money." 

As I waited for him, I realized I was in the presence of love. It was in the form of a homeless person and her pet. Sometimes love shows up in unexpected places.

My prayer, as I go through this holiday season with its noise and distraction, is to notice the love that is in front of me every single day.

You write it: What is the love that is right in front of you?

 

An Experience with Meditation

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Once a month I participate in a group meditation. We meet in a church, and last week the choir was rehearsing nearby as we started our meditation.

"Breathe deeply through the nose and exhale slowly through the mouth." I focused on my breathing. I just kept breathing.

We meditate for 25 minutes, and after awhile choir rehearsal was over. I became aware that conversations were happening--some just outside our door. But I was more aware of my breathing and felt no need to quieten anyone.

I was meditating. The choir was dispersing. We were on parallel tracks. 

As our holiday season begins this week, may you be on your own path, noticing but not disturbed by what is going on around you.

You write it:  What is your experience with meditation?

MINDFULNESS

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The recent election has caused me to be more mindful of what I'm thinking and feeling. I notice what hooks me into an emotional state that does align with what I want in my life. I'm making more intentional choices about what I experience.

This morning I deleted one news app from my phone. I have one other that I'm keeping--for now. I'm considering replacing the evening news with a long walk or reading.

Along the way, I have learned that what I focus on gets stronger. So I'm making constant, conscious choices to focus on what's good and simply let the rest be.

You write it:  What "hooks" you? What do you want to focus on?

Attitude Change

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I used to believe that spider webs in a house signaled filth and neglect. Then I moved to my current home. Tiny spiders breed in a nearby pond and then make their way into my home. They are so numerous that monthly, we exterminate for spiders!

As the morning sun shines through my bedroom window, I see a glistening spider web in the door frame that I cleaned two days ago.

My attitude towards spider webs has changed. They are not a sign of filth. They are persistent, ingenious creations of silent, invisible artists.

You write it:  Have you experienced an attitude change? What was it?

They Are Not at Fault

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Much of our pain begins when we find fault and try to fix or justify what we think is wrong. 

I've been stuck in that bog for a few weeks. Last Friday I expressed the desire of my heart to be free of my own judgmentalism.

Saturday morning, in an open AA meeting, my answer came when I heard these words in the opening reading:  "They are not at fault."

Today this is the mantra I'm living by. If someone is behaving in a way that makes no sense to me, I can just walk on by without trying to figure out what's wrong or attempt to control them with my criticism. I can say to myself, "They are not at fault." I can live in peace.

You write it:  Where are you "stuck" to your opinion? What is the desire of your heart?

 

Wordless Sharing

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I live among the red rocks of Sedona, Arizona. People come here from all over the world to experience unique beauty. When I hike, I see them stopped on the trail, camera in hand, agape.

“Stunning, isn’t it?” I’ve often said to them. Or “Isn’t it gorgeous?” Or “What an incredible view!”

Having been here over a year, I have run out of words to describe the phenomenon of nature that surrounds me. No word is sufficient.

So now when I pass tourists on the trail, I pass in silence. I know what they feel. I feel it, too. I am content with wordless sharing.

You write it: Do you ever use words when silence is really what is being called for?

Schedule a telephone or in-person consultation with Nancy by emailing her:  NancyOelklaus@gmail.com

Simplicity and Consistency

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When I opened the car door, loose papers fell out, straying from the seat full of packaging, envelopes, cups, other objects strewn in no particular order. As she quickly gathered and threw them in the back seat to make room for me in the front, she said, "This jumble represents my life right now. I'm a mess."

When we arrived at the coffee shop, I listened for a long while while she flitted from topic to topic, telling me what's wrong with her. Finally she asked me what she should do to make her life more manageable and focused.

"Do these two things every day," I said. "(1) Pray only for knowledge of God's will and the power to carry it out (which is Step 11 of recovery programs). (2) Write a short love letter to yourself every day. Do these two things for at least forty days."

We can't make our lives better by fixing everything that's "wrong" with us. But if we strengthen our spiritual core, our lives become manageable. Simplicity and consistency.

You write it:  Look around. What is your environment saying about you?

Schedule a telephone or in-person consultation with Nancy by emailing her:  NancyOelklaus@gmail.com

Decision

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On the very day that my husband celebrated his 16th year of sobriety in AA, we took communion at church. If the liquid in the tiny little cup is red, it's wine. If it's clear, it's grape juice. Of course, my husband and I always choose the clear liquid.

But on this Sunday, I saw when the server came to me, that there was only one cup of grape juice left, and my husband had yet to be served. I hesitated. Then I said to myself, "Well, I haven't had alcohol in 16 years, either. Let him figure it out for himself."

He did. He leaned forward and said, "I need grape juice." Quickly, he was served what he needed.

What I've learned in this 16-year journey of recovery with him is that, when I take care of myself, things work out well for everyone. I've learned that this is not selfishness but self care, a contagious act of self respect. I've also learned that sometimes when we "over-help" others, we send a message that we don't believe they can do it for themselves.

I know my husband can. He does. Life is good and all is well.

You write it:  Is there anyone you are "over-helping"? What might you do differently?

Turbulence

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"We are not saints" is a profound statement from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Indeed, none of us are. As hard as we might try to do the right thing or to feel calm and centered, occasionally something happens that disturbs our peace.

Recently, it happened to me. First, I felt confused. Then I was angry, with a little hurt mixed in. Then, briefly, the air cleared and I thought the issue was resolved. But no. Wham! Another hit.

I felt like a passenger on the flight I read about recently that experienced turbulence on its course from Houston to London. A pilot can't see air streams colliding. They are invisible and thus unavoidable. But, oh my, what fear and injury they are capable of inflicting on passengers and crew when the airplane gets caught in that agitation!

We know what to do if we get caught in turbulence while flying. Keep our seat belts fastened. But what do we do if the turbulence is emotional?

Very much like an airplane pilot, I got out of the turbulence as quickly as was feasible, with a goal of the least injury possible. The most difficult part of the process for me was moving away from my own anger and blame, replacing it with acceptance. Acceptance is a neutral emotion--a much kinder place to be. A seat belt, if you will.

You write it:  Have you experienced any turbulence lately? What did you do?

Forgiveness

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Something happened recently that created the need for me to practice forgiveness. I felt myself feeling like a victim, and I wanted to react like a victim--bitterly and vindictively. But experience has taught me a better way.

I went to my files and pulled out a sheet on forgiveness that for years has floated me through difficult times. Here are some excerpts:

  • Forgiveness is not the approval of the wrongdoing. It is reclaiming my freedom of choice. I choose not to be stuck to another person's actions.
  • Forgiveness is a statement that says, "You have no more power over me."
  • I have the courage to let go, turn the page, and start over.
  • I don't hate you. I don't fear you. I am free.

May these words be as healing for you as they are for me.